Fishbowl Syndrome

Unless you have a clear image of what you want to do, you won't get there... or so they say.
The strangest thing is when you actually want to get somewhere and you are very keen on this destination of yours, but you feel the whole world is conspiring against your plans. And continuously and annoyingly throwing all this stuff at you, either chaining you down or moving you further away from your goal, inch by inch, day by day.
I feel as if I am in a fish bowl and the world is out there, just waiting to be explored. And I am banging my head against this glass and it just won't break. I am getting tired of this battle of will.
I keep saying to myself I should be patient and just enjoy the ride. Though constantly not making the grade is taking its toll on my self esteem... Hurray for the mid 20s crisis!

Christmas Again!

From the infinite wisdom that human contact provides:

• No one is going to take me by the hand and point me in the right direction because most people are as lost as I am (and definitely because they are not me).
• If I don't show it, people can't see it!
• Whether I think I can or cannot do something, I am right!
• @my Master's Program: "Daca tot am intrat in rahat, macar sa intru de tot ca sa imi fie cald!"
• No party is worth staying until the end - chances are people will do and say awkward things...and chances are I'll be among them.

Now back to those cover letters!

Holiday Aftermath

Finally I got to spend some time at home, with my mum and talk a bit more.

Things are by far not rosy but I am trying to keep my cool and enjoy what can be enjoyed. I mean for her, things are not rosy.

It's a bit hard to be alone after 32 years of marriage, in debt and raising a daughter who, although 24, seems to be unwilling to compromise and get stable: find a well paid job, settle down in one city, get married and raise a family.

It is even harder when your own job is not as rewarding as you used to think it is - both financially and spiritually - and you feel you did not achieve anything, seem to have levelled down and unable to grasp new concepts.

It is further frustrating to see no opportunity or feel unprepared for any opportunity that may come along - especially due to age and to advances in technology.

And for me it is heartbreaking to see that none of my suggestions are taken into consideration and my advice is constantly overlooked.

I have my own questions and situations to address.

Personally, I chose a Master's program which really seemed vocational and interesting, opening new possibilities. (Well the diploma may still do that, but I am not chasing pieces of paper which, at the rate education systems are going, will not have that much of a value.) After two months of striving to take the best out of it, I find it useless and unable to train me or to foster my development as a human being, let alone as a professional.

I am not interested in public administration, not in the least. I do not care about bureaucracy and how it functions. I do not care about public administration.

I am being fed theory upon theory, with little to no connection with my area of interest. Well, I will have a 2 week course on NGO management some time at the end of January. But by then, if things go according to plan, I will no longer be around, but somewhere enjoying warmer climate and higher living standards, with a cosy JD to top it all.

Eh, it has a lot to do with expectations and choices...and information...yes...with information, doesn't it?!

But this post was supposed to be about home, about how nice that distant town -in both time and space - can be, about how well tea tastes for breakfast, about bow much I missed the feeling of home and TLC.

I spent some time in the countryside, enjoying the silence, the calm pristine landscape. Two days were enough to recharge my batteries.

I mean I feel more creative. Not necessarily more focused on work, but more creative. I've been painting for the last few days and I am really happy with the results. Last time I tried doing that I felt more than unable to use the brush. I felt rigid and stuck in a rut.

And yes, I enjoyed fresh dairy and eggs...and apples... and a warm fire... and lots of attention from my grandparents. I haven't felt this kind of happiness in a while.

And now I should return to my homework...home work...oh how me work...
I sure hope The Christmas Holiday won't go as academically uneventful as this bank holiday...and I hope St Nick brings me some relief from ADHD - other than medication.